Archive for the “Joke” Category

To all moms in all forms….. all types……. all kinds…. and
all….. this is hilarious . . .
Enjoy the answers given by elementary school age children to the
following questions:

Why did God make mothers?
1. She’s the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.

How did God make mothers?
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger
parts.

What ingredients are mothers made of?
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice
in the world and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men’s bones. Then they mostly use
string. I think.

Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?
1. We’re related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people’s moms like me.

What kind of little girl was your mom?
1. My mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff.
2. I don’t know because I wasn’t there, but my guess would be pretty
bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.

What did mom need to know about dad before she married him?
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get
drunk on beer? Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and
YES to chores.

Why did your mom marry your dad?
1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my mom eats a
lot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that mom didn’t have her thinking cap on.

Who’s the boss at your house?
1. Mom doesn’t want to be boss, but she has to because dad’s such a
goofball.
2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the
bed.
3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.

What’s the difference between moms and dads?
1. Moms work at work and work at home, and dads just got to work at
work.
2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller and stronger, but moms have all the real power
’cause that’s who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend’s.

What does your mom do in her spare time?
1. Mothers don’t do spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.

What would it take to make your mom perfect?
1. On the inside she’s already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of
plastic surgery.
2. Diet. You know, her hair. I’d diet, maybe blue.

If you could change one thing about your mom, what would it be?
1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I’d get
rid of that.
2. I’d make my mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who
did it and not me.

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Temubual seorang pemuda dengan pakcik gembala biri-biri

Pemuda : Boleh saya tanya beberapa soalan tak?
Pakcik   : Boleh aje ….
Pemuda : Berapa jauh biri-biri ni berjalan setiap hari?
Pakcik   : Yang mana, yang putih atau yang hitam?
Pemuda : Yang putih
Pakcik   : Kalau yang putih lebih kjurangenam kilometer setiap hari.
Pemuda : Yang hitam?
Pakcik   : Yang hitam pun sama….
Pemuda : Berapa banyak pulak rumput biri-biri ni makan setiap hari?
Pakcik   : Yang mana, yang putih atau yang hitam?
Pemuda : Yang putih?
Pakcik   : Ah, yang putih lebih kurang empat kilo rumput setiap hari.
Pemuda : Dan yang hitam?
Pakcik   : Yang hitam pun sama….
Pemuda : Berapa banyak bulu yang mereka hasilkan setiap tahun?
Pakcik   : Yang mana, yang putih ke yang hitam?
Pemuda : Yang putih?
Pakcik   : Aaaa…. yang putih sekitar enam kilo bulu setiap tahun.
Pemuda : Dan yang hitam?
Pakcik   : Yang hitam pun sama….
Pemuda : Kenapa pakcik membezakan biri-biri pakcik yang putih dengan yang hitam, padahal
jawapan semuanya sama aje?
Pakcik   : Mestilah …. sebab biri-biri yang putih itu pakcik yang punya.
Pemuda : Oooooh! gitu ke … abis tu yang hitam tu sapa punya?
Pakcik   : Yang hitam pun sama ….

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George Carlin’s Views on Aging

Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we
like to get old is
when we’re kids? If you’re less than 10 years old,
you’re so excited about
aging that you think in fractions.

“How old are you?” “I’m four and a half!” You’re never
thirty-six and a
half. You’re four and a half, going on five!

That’s the key.

You get into your teens, now they can’t hold you back.
You jump to the next
number, or even a few ahead.

“How old are you?” “I’m gonna be 16!” You could be 13,
but hey, you’re gonna
be 16! And then the greatest day of your life . . .
you become 21. Even the
words sound like a ceremony . . YOU BECOME 21.
YESSSS!!!

But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there?
Makes you sound like bad
milk! . He TURNED; we had to throw him out. There’s no
fun now, you’re just
a sour-dumpling. What’s wrong? What’s changed?

You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you’re PUSHING 40.

Whoa! Put on! the brakes, it’s all slipping away.
Before you know it, you
REACH 50 and your dreams are gone.

But wait!!! You MAKE it to 60. You didn’t think you
would!

So you BECOME 2 1, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE
it to 60.

You’ve built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After
that it’s a day-by-day
thing; you HIT Wednesday!

You get into your 80s and every day is a complete
cycle; you HIT lunch; you
TURN 4:30; you REACH bedtime.

And it doesn’t end there. Into the 90s, you start
going backwards; “I Was
JUST 92.”

Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100,
you become a little
kid again. “I’m 100 and a half!”

May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!!
HOW TO STAY YOUNG

1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age,
weight and height. Let
the doctors worry about them. That is why you pay
them.

2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you
down.

3. Keep learning. Learn more about the computer,
crafts, gardening,
whatever. Never let the brain idle! . ” An idle mind
is the devil’s
workshop.” And the devil’s name is Alzheimer’s.

4. Enjoy the simple things.

5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp
for breath.

6. The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The
only person who is
with us our entire life, is ourselves. Be ALIVE while
you are alive.

7. Surround yourself with what you love, Whether it’s
family, pets,
keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home
is your refuge.

8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If
it is unstable,
improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get
help.

9. Don’t take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall,
even to the next county;
to a foreign country but NOT to where the guilt is.

10. Tell the people you love that you love them, at
every opportunity.

AND ALWAYS REMEMBER:
Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take,
but by the moments
that take our breath away.

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1) Lubang ape yang rasanye hangat,nikmat dan nyaman?
Answer: LU BANGun pagi2, tarik selimut pas tu tido balik.

2) Minyak ape yang disukai oleh lelaki?
Answer: MINYAKsikan pertandingan bolasepak English Premier League

3) Kuih ape yang bungkusnya di dalam, isinya di luar?
Answer: Kuih salah bikin.

4) Binatang ape power Karate?
Answer: Kuda belang.cube kira brape black belt dia ade.

5) Siape yang menemukan dompet kulit?
Answer: Yang menemukan dompet kulit tersebut tolong pulangkan kepada  saye.

7) Pintu ape yang walaupun dengan 10 org pun tak leh nak tolak?
Answer: nPintu yang adetulis ‘TARIK’

Saya ade 3 kepala,4 tangan dan 5 kaki…siapakah saya?
Answer: Pembohong…

9) Apa dia ‘Jauh di mata, dekat di hati’?
Answer: Usus

10) Binatang ape yang seluruh anggota tubuhnya kat kepala?
Answer: Kutu rambut

11) Nenek sape jalannya meloncat-loncat?
Answer: Neneknye si katak

12) Knape lelaki jarang kene penyakit anjing gila?
Answer: Sbb lelaki ni kan ‘buaya’

13)Ape beza sekretari baik ngan sekretari kurang baik?
Answer:
- Sekretari baik………………’Selamat pagi tuan’
- Sekretari kurang baik………..’Dah pagi ni tuan’

14) Ape persamaan Michael Jordan ngan Michael Jackson?
Answer: Dua-dua tak kenal korang…hehe

15) Tukang ape yang kalau dipanggil, die menjenguk ke atas?
Answer: Tukang gali kubur

16) Nak mencari sikit punye susah, bile dah dapat buang, ape bendanya?
Answer: Tahi hidung

17) Ape persamaan kain jemuran ngan telefon?
Answer: Dua-dua kalau dah ‘kringgg’ bole diangkat…

18) Knape pokok kelapa kat depan rumah harus ditebang?
Answer: Mestilah kene tebang, sape nak cabut pokok kelapa …gile ape…

19) Gajah terbang dengan ape?
Answer: Dengan susah payah……

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At a doctors surgery one morning a patient arrives complaining of serious
backache. The doctor examines him and asks him”What the hell did you do to
your back?”
The patient replies “You know that I work for a local night club? Today
morning I got home to my apartment  early and heard a noise in my bedroom.
On entering I knew someone had been sleeping with my wife and the
balcony door was open. I rushed out the balcony door and did not find
anyone. As I looked down from the balcony I saw a man running out and he was
dressing himself. I grabbed the fridge and threw it at him,That’s how I
strained my back”
The 2nd patient arrives looking as if he has been in a car wreck. The
doctor says “My previous looked bad, but you look terrible.What the hell
happened to you?” He replies, “You  know I have been unemployed for a
while now .Today was the first day at my new job. I forgot to set my alarm
and was running late. I was running out of the building, getting dressed at
the same time, and you
won’t believe it but I was hit by a fridge.”  The 3rd patient arrives; he
looks even worse than the other two patients  o. The doctor is shocked.
Again asks, “What the hell happened to you?” “Well I was sitting in a fridge
& someone threw it from the 3rd floor!”

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Marriage Humour
==========

1. Women are unpredictable. Before marriage, she expects a man, after
marriage she suspects him, and after death she respects him.

2. There was this guy who told his woman that he loved her so much that he
would go thru hell for her. They got married – and now he is going thru
hell.

3. A man inserted an ‘ad’ in the classifieds : “Wife wanted “. Next day, he
received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing : “You can have
mine.”

4. When a man opens the door of his car for his wife,you can be sure of one
thing: either the car is new or the wife.

5. It’s easy to tell if a man is married or not. Just watch him drive a car
with a woman sitting beside him. If both his hands are on the wheel, you can
be sure he is married.

6. A man received a letter from some kidnappers. The letter said, “If you
don’t promise to send us $100,000 I swear that we will kidnap your wife.”
The poor man wrote back, ” I am afraid I can’t keep my promise but I hope
you will keep yours.”

7. What’s the matter, you look depressed.” “I’m having trouble with my
wife.” “What happened?” “She said she wasn’t going to speak to me for 30
days.” “But that ought to make you happy.” “It did, but today is the last
day.”

WOMAN
When she is 18 – She is a football, 22 men going after her.
When she is 28 – She is a hockey ball, 8 men going after her.
When  she is 38 – She is a golf ball, 1 man hitting on her.
When she is 48 – she is a pingpong ball, 2 men pushing to each other.

MAN
At 20 – A man is like a coconut, so much to offer, so little to give.
At 30 – He is like a durian, dangerous but delicious.
At 40 – He is like a watermelon, big, round and juicy.
At 50 – He is like a mandarin orange, the season comes once in a year.
At 60 – He is just like a raisin, dried out, wrinkles and cheap.

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Read on and expand your general knowledge…..

*Mosquito repellents don’t repel. They hide you. The spray
blocks the mosquito’s sensors so they don’t know you’re there.
*No piece of paper can be folded in half more than 7 times.
*Dentists have recommended that a toothbrush be kept at least
6 feet away from a toilet to avoid airborne particles resulting from
the flush.
*It’s physically impossible for you to lick your elbow.
*Donkeys kill more people annually than plane crashes.
*Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise.
*Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in
the morning.
*The king of hearts is the only king without a mustache.
*The liquid inside young coconuts can be used as substitute
for blood plasma.
*The plastic things on the end of shoelaces are called aglets.
*Most dust particles in your house are made from dead skin.
*The first owner of the Marlboro Company died of lung cancer.
*Pearls melt in vinegar.
*The three most valuable brand names on earth:
Marlboro,Coca-Cola, and Budweiser, in that order.
*It is possible to lead a cow upstairs…but not downstairs.
*A duck’s quack doesn’t echo and no one knows why.
*Turtles can breathe through their butts.
*On average, 100 people choke to death on ball-point pens
every year.
*Elephants are the only animals that can’t jump.
*Women blink nearly twice as much as men.
*The Main Library at Indiana University sinks over an inch
every year because when it was built, engineers failed to take into
account the weight of all the books that would occupy the building.
*A snail can sleep for three years.
*No word in the English language rhymes with “MONTH.”
*Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose
and ears never stop growing! . SCARY! !!
*All polar bears are left handed.
*A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.
*Almost everyone who reads this email will try to lick their elbow.

PS… So, did you try to lick your elbow???? or fold a paper
in seven halves?

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